Day 6: I’m still here. Still in hospital. Still In isolation. When I arrived here six days ago with dirty bare feet, a confused mind and a heightened sense of fear I didn’t know what would be the next step. Since then I’ve slept, sweat, wept, paced around, had god knows how many pills handed to me from the nurses and too many jabs for my liking. My head is clearer. I’m a pretty analytical and process driven kind of bloke anyways so now I know why I’m here and what I need to do whilst I’m here my anxiety has eased a bit. I need a roadmap to recovery and discharge to feel more at ease. I miss my family. I’m a Daddy. A very much present father to my two little girls. My oldest is six next month so will be asking questions. My two year old will be processing it in her own way, maybe she doesn’t really notice me not there… but I KNOW I’m not there. That’s my biggest guilt. When I leave hospital I doubt my wife will be there with open arms welcoming me back into our family home. The home we bought together in 2013. Our first mortgage. I know she still loves me and cares about me but I know she needs space. She needs reassurance. I suspect I’ll be heading back to my parents to live for a while. First time living back with the rents since 2009. The year I finally plucked up the courage to rent a flat with my girlfriend at the time. The girl I went on to marry, buy a house with, have two daughters with. And right now… the girl I know I have let down so badly and have hurt so much.
I finished a wordsearch earlier. I was listening to a Hans Zimmer playlist on my iPhone whilst I did it. Lion King, Batman, Gladiator, Inception. Good background sound for a wordsearch. I never do wordsearchs. It was in the Sunday Mail newspaper that was brought to me yesterday. It is an ‘Irish musicians’ theme. Some nostalgic names that I had to find – Samantha Mumba! Remember her? One from my teens. The usual names like Boyzone, The Script, Enya and The Corrs. But also many others I’ve never heard of. You probably have… Villagers? Mary Black? Clannad? Maybe I’ll listen to Clannad later. Why not? Treat myself. So anyways, the wordsearch filled in an hour or so. Maybe longer. I’m not really looking at the time. I’m not going anywhere today. I can walk to my window. I can go to the en suite loo. Or I can try and take on the Sudoku that’s staring at me. Never done one before. Why not.
P.S. You can win £1000 if you text the missing word from the completed wordsearch. KODALINE were the missing Irish musician/band. £1 entry plus your standard network rate, etc, etc. I like to finish what I start so I’ve spent my first quid whilst in a psychiatric hospital. I’m taking this as a win for the day. So, Sudoku then. Hmmm…..