Day 140: I was browsing through my journal earlier. My journal is an irregular collection of scribbles since January 2018. I thought I’d share a few entries from 2018 which on reflection are pretty depressing because they were ‘false dawns’…
01 February 2018: “Life isn’t easy at the moment. 2018 has started with frustration and uncertainty at work. I have continued to beat myself up for what happened on Nov 25th too. Worst of all I was arrested, spent the night in the cells and have subsequently been charged for being a stupid, drunken, aggressive mess. I sadly think that my old demons are starting to resurface. I WILL FIX THIS.”
24 March 2018: “Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”
24 June 2018: “On May 29th i accepted things needed to change. This time more than ever. I’ve been on a journey attempting to remain ‘tee-total’. Nobody expects me to do it and I’ve had a few wobbles but all in all since May 29th until today at least, 41 days of turning my life around. Feeling fresher. Feeling happier. Feeling more relaxed. Feeling healthier.”
12 September 2018: “It’s been a little while since I last wrote. What’s been happening? My support has reduced. Doctor wants to see me less frequently and my sessions with Lynne (therapist) have ended. My moods have been up and down but my downs are less frequent and shorter in duration. I’m drinking again. I haven’t had a ‘session’ as such but my intake is on the increase. I need to monitor this. Focus for the next week or two should be fitness, alcohol intake and finances.”
It is important to look back and read through how I was feeling at the time but it is also important I keep facing forward and don’t let the past dictate my future. It will naturally shape my future yes, but the past is the past for a reason.