Chandelier

Party girls Lad don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn?
I push it down, push it down
I’m the one “for a good time call”
Phone’s blowin’ up, ringin’ my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink

Throw ’em back ’til I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night
Feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier

But I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight, on for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
Throw ’em back ’til I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night
Feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier

But I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight, on for tonight

Day 158: You’ll probably recognise the above lyrics. Written, recorded and performed by the eccentric and very private musician Sia. ‘Chandelier’ is no doubt her biggest hit and the piano version is one of my favourite songs. Lyrically, the song has a melancholic theme, detailing the demoralisation and rationalisation of alcoholism through the thought process of a “party girl”. More broadly, the song speaks to the fleeting feelings of release and abandon that come with intoxication, as well as the pain, guilt and emptiness that accompany addiction, alcoholism and hedonistic excess. My assumption of the swinging from a chandelier lyric is suicide.

All I need to simply do is change the lyric ‘party girl‘ to ‘lad’ and that was me. My relationship with alcohol and always wanting to feel accepted and be the entertainer of the group – drinking to excess and then the guilt and pain of the aftermath of my behaviour. Never wanting the night to end. Keeping the session going long after others had left. Alcohol was my escape. I didn’t care about tomorrow. Facing tomorrow. It didn’t exist.

I can relate to Sia’s struggles and past battles. And like her, I’m pleased we are both now in recovery. Long may it continue.