Reacquainted

Day 190: I had a lovely weekend away with my girls, first to Richmond in North Yorkshire where we visited the castle and walked along the River Swale, then to Lightwater Valley Theme Park in Ripon. It was a nice few days away from home and the weather was spot on.

I’ve felt a bit down in the dumps the past few days though. It seems to always be the case at the moment that after I enjoy something I then make myself suffer for it afterwards. It’s as if I should feel guilty for being happy.

Just because I’m living a sober life doesn’t mean my depression has completely f*cked off – in fact I probably think about my bouts of depression more intensely now I don’t have the haze of booze and hangovers to blame for it. Depression was part of me before I started drinking alcohol as a 17 year old and is still part of me after 190 days of sobriety.

I’ve said this a few times in the past and I’ll say it again – my current mental state means I can pull myself through the shitty days knowing that I won’t feel like this forever. Depression effects us all in different ways but the general similarity we will all experience is a start and end to each episode. The duration and the intensity of the depression can vary massively but just like a storm or an awful song on the radio – it passes.

I was talking about the ‘pink clouds’ of sobriety in my last post and the danger of living in the elation of giving up alcohol and enjoying the short term benefits of no longer poisoning our body. I don’t blame my bouts of depression on ‘pink cloud’ anymore because I’m ‘over’ alcohol. It’s been over 6 months now and my interest and desire to have a drink is no longer there. It hasn’t been there for months. I put my depression down to the cold hard fact that it is part of my make up. It’s a part of me and it will always be there. I can go days or weeks without experiencing it but I will always be reacquainted with my old mate. Sometimes he stays for no more than a day. Sometimes he hangs around for far too long!

We can do all the things doctors and therapists tell us to do but those things don’t ‘cure’ depression. There is no cure. Nobody on this planet can be certain that they will never experience depression. Thankfully a lot of people don’t but unfortunately a huge number of us do regardless of upbringing, geography, gender, ethnicity or sexual orientation.

Depression doesn’t discriminate. Depression shouldn’t define us either though. I’ve written about how I feel. I’ll make sure I eat tonight. I’ll go for a run in the morning. I’ll probably read in bed. I know all those things ‘help’ me.

And tomorrow… is another day!