Day 220: I’ve been a bit quiet on here this week but all is well! I’m in a good place at the moment so will continue to enjoy the ‘high’. It doesn’t make for interesting reading though so my pen has ran a little dry. I went to my second Yoga class on Wednesday. An actual class in person with other people! I’m the only bloke and I’m a complete novice but any excuse to get my running tights on. So yeah, that was different!
I’m a huge fan of EDM (Electronic Dance Music) and have been since my teens. I grew up in the late 90’s when House music was really at it’s prime (think of the British film ‘Kevin & Perry’) and Ibiza was the place to be. I’m not young and cool anymore but I suspect Ibiza is still popular with clubbers and cool cats. I might get there one day once my daughters grow up and take me with them! (Haha – no chance, eh?)
On a run last week I was listening to a specific EDM Playlist I curated on Apple Music and I started reflecting on my own journey over the years in the form of music. I came up with four songs which define particular periods of my life from becoming a teenager, entering the big world and appreciating music, alcohol, partying, socialising, etc. through to growing up, hitting many highs and lows before the biggest low of my life earlier this year.
“The Nights” by Avicii is very much a period of my life when I was young and care-free. This piece of music personifies living life and having fun. Going out with friends and dancing the night away. ‘Carve your name into those shining stars’ ‘when you get older, your wild heart will live for younger days’. It is upbeat, it is about the future and all of the days we have ahead of us. In a drinking sense I was having fun, drinking too much and throwing up (like most teenagers) but it was all a learning curve and all in all I was a healthy, fit, bright lad who studied, worked but boy, I loved going out!
“Leave a little Love” by Alesso & Armin van Buuren is when I was starting to experience the disappointments of life too. Failed relationships, not finishing things I started and starting to use alcohol not only for the happy times but also when I was pissed off and angry. This song is really a message to myself. “Just leave a little love for me”. Throughout my twenties I would abuse my body at times, get into scrapes and beat myself up over tiny things. I couldn’t accept praise and would look for the negatives in anything I’d done. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad during this period as I went from 20 to 30 but this piece of music reminds me of not loving myself enough.
“Faded (Tiesto’s Northern Lights Remix) by Alan Walker is one of my favourite pieces of EDM. It is actually a bittersweet listen because I associate this with my ‘collapse’ and subsequent severe anxiety issues, depression and anger issues. My drinking went off the rails and I started holding more and more back from my wife and family. I would think only of myself and getting through the day even if that meant drinking. I had no long term aspirations and my honest belief was that if I died during the night my family would be better off without my issues.
“I’m faded. These shallow waters never met. What I needed.
I’m letting go, a deeper dive – Eternal silence of the sea.”
“Remember us this way” by Lady Gaga is a beautiful song from one of my favourite films ‘A Star is Born’ (2018) and it’s a song that reminds me of my wife and our second chance. I nearly lost her. I have another chance and I want us to remember each other this way – the way we are now. When the producer Initi8 did an EDM version of the song I had to add it to my running playlist and I think it is a perfect final part to this journey. It is my rise back from the floor. From the bottom. It personifies the happy life and memories that will be made in my sobriety with the woman I love.
“You found the light in me that I couldn’t find”
Happy Daddy 