Same Old. Same Old

Day 324: “Why do you feel anxious? Why do you think you feel low?” are two common questions I get asked and the answer is generally always the same; “I don’t know”.

End of conversation.

I think there is a misconception that there should be a tangible, visible reason for suffering with depression or anxiety disorders. Maybe it is linked to bereavement, stress at work or a relationship breakdown. Possibly anxiety is heightened around social events and leaving the house?

The reality for me is that 95% of the time I can’t explain why I suddenly nosedive. If I could put a reason on it I imagine it would be much easier to manage. I’ll give you an example from this week.

I’ve started the New Year in a good place. Still sober, exercising and spending time with the family. No triggers. Nothing obvious anyways. I woke up yesterday and just felt tired and unmotivated from the get go. I thought I’d slept pretty well and there was nothing about yesterday I was worried about. A quiet day at work with no meetings scheduled in. My first yoga class of 2022. Daughters back at school so a quiet house whilst I worked from home.

Yet my anxiety levels were up and I had little desire to engage with anything or anybody. I got through the day as I often do these days by distracting my mind and ‘pushing on’. I went to Yoga at 5pm and then watched a film once the rest of the family were in bed.

I woke up this morning feeling so much better. Anxiety gone. Mood much better.

Why?!

I don’t know. I just got on with things yesterday and along with my medication (maybe), diet, sleep, family time and yoga the negativity passed.

I could feel the same next week, do the same and it might not pass. That’s the reality of how our mental health works.

I’ve come to accept I will have bouts of heightened anxiety throughout my day to day life despite abstaining from alcohol, taking regular medication and exercising. Those things don’t cure me they just help me manage the severity of my condition. I suffer with low mood at least one day per week. It is nobody’s fault and not always obvious to me as to why I feel so crap but I generally know from the last 12 months that not allowing it to manifest in the front of my mind will mean my mood improves of it’s own accord within 24 hours. I haven’t had a prolonged depressive episode since the Summer and even then it was only for around 5-6 days compared to the month long episodes of yesteryear.

What I’m sure of is that all I can continue to do is live each day one at a time and give myself the best fighting chance of having a good day. Alcohol would be used in the short term to ‘kill’ the physical feeling of anxiety and help me switch off but the depression that would follow was dark and often long in duration. I’m under no illusion that removing alcohol from my body and mind gives me a clearer run at it.

I’m not entirely sure what I was hoping to achieve from this post as it’s just stating the obvious but I wanted to scribble some thoughts down and this is what we got to!

Speak soon!