Dreams

Day 340: I was asked today if I was still ‘off the beer’ and after responding yes, asked when I thought I would drink again. Is that not the problem? We either expect failure or we expect people to drink?! There was no malice in the question and probably no depth to their thinking but nonetheless I walk away thinking about my sobriety and the way it is viewed.

I’ve had some crazy dreams this week. I don’t normally remember my dreams as vividly as I have of late but so far in my sleep I’ve drank alcohol (secretly and openly), I’ve stabbed somebody to death with a knife and unrelated I’ve ran away with nothing more than a hold-all. I think I ended up in Spain or somewhere on a bus. If there are any Psychologists out there who care to dissect those dreams get in touch!

So, I’m at the match today – as I write. I’d normally be spending half time on the beer but now I’m spending the break blogging. I’ve had a season ticket at Sunderland football club for a number of years. It used to be one of my favourite times to get pissed and to be honest, the football came second to the boozing. I drive to every game now and being sober brings the social anxiety which has grown over the last few years and can no longer be suppressed by beer. I haven’t enjoyed the football this season in terms of travelling to the stadium, being in crowds and hanging around pre-match in the bar. I’m spending more time at my seat and I suppose once I’m there it isn’t so bad. I don’t go out much anymore and this is probably the main bit of social interaction I have with larger groups of the general public.

We won 1-0. Awful game of football. Just home. Feel pretty flat to be honest. Haven’t really been in the mood today and driving home I just turned the radio off and the journey weirdly seemed to pass me by. As if I wasn’t even present and in the driver’s seat. Do you ever get the urge on a quiet straight road to put your foot to the floor and let go of your self-control?

Maybe not. It was one of those journeys. I’m home. The joys of my mind. We go again tomorrow.