I think it’s important to be honest at all times in recovery and I’ve been reflecting a lot recently about the way I used to behave and treat people in the past especially when I was intoxicated. I wasn’t a particularly nice drunk – I was very close to the edge and could turn from nice to nasty in a flash. I’ve been physically violent to others when drunk along with other lovely traits such as being arrogant, condescending, sexist, intimidating, selfish and careless. Not all at the same time I’ll add but I could tell you a story or two off the top of my head from first hand memory where I’ve delivered those things to others.
My main reason for drinking was escapism and the feeling of being carefree and off the clock. Once I was a few glasses down I’d change from the normally reliable, disciplined and generally pleasant person (albeit a miserable git) to somebody who had no interest in doing anything other than prolonging the feeling I was now getting. I struggled massively with stopping after a couple because I was always chasing that next hit of alcoholic heaven. If anybody challenged me about why or what I was doing during this ‘me time’ I’d get defensive and rude with the general theme being “It’s my life and I’ll do what I want!”
Whilst I was never physically violent with my wife I could be verbally violent and say horrible things which I’d rarely remember the next day but I’d certainly be reminded of what was said.
Ever the apologist I would promise to change and have more respect for myself and others going forward. Empty promises.
Further down the line I stopped bothering with the apologies and promises because I’d gone back on them so many times. I was accepting I was flawed, selfish and preferred alcohol over anything.
I still have a lot to do in my life to be a better person but I can’t change the past. I’m a lot calmer, rational and pragmatic as a sober person which can only be a good thing for my personal relationships too.
Drink can’t be blamed on everything though and it’s very lazy of me to point all my flaws towards the bottle.