After 458 days of continuous sobriety from alcohol I relapsed. I’m not going to dwell on the ins and outs right now but all I’ll say is that it wasn’t enjoyable. I was on my own, drank a lot of whisky and regretted it. I was highly anxious at the time and whilst the present physical feeling of anxiety was temporarily suppressed by the alcohol it soon returned even stronger.
I had scary thoughts and plans. Again, I don’t wish to write about that today as it’s still too raw. The drinking ‘session’ lasted for about 5 hours before something inside of me stopped me from continuing. That in itself is a small victory as I dread to think where I’d have ended up if I hadn’t. I’ve been honest with my family and I’ve been honest with myself but I’ve found the relapse very difficult as the booze got accustomed again with my body and mind.
I then had four days of continued abstinence from alcohol (albeit the cravings were there, the anxiety was present every day and the depression of my relapse took hold). I drank again on Day 5 and once again went through the cycle described above. There was no enjoyment. I was using it as a temporary and momentarily coping mechanism.
On Friday I attended my first AA meeting. It was a small meeting and I was welcomed in very warmly. I said the words I’ve rarely muttered in the last 15 months. “I’m Barrie and I’m an alcoholic”
So I’m back on Day 4 of continued sobriety today and thankfully I’m not feeling the physical addiction as much as I did after the initial relapse. I’m going to give AA meetings and readings a chance in addition to all of the other recovery techniques and well-being go-to’s that helped me for 15 months.
I’m under no illusion my addiction will use all its power to try and detail me for good but I refuse to allow myself to succumb to it after the benefits I’ve felt for the last year and a bit.
The way I look at it is that I’ve had TWO occasions / days of drinking in the last 469 days. Let’s keep the TWO as the common number in this going forward.
Speak soon everyone x