After 458 days of continuous sobriety from alcohol I relapsed. I’m not going to dwell on the ins and outs right now but all I’ll say is that it wasn’t enjoyable. I was on my own, drank a lot of whisky and regretted it. I was highly anxious at the time and whilst the present physical feeling of anxiety was temporarily suppressed by the alcohol it soon returned even stronger.
I had scary thoughts and plans. Again, I don’t wish to write about that today as it’s still too raw. The drinking ‘session’ lasted for about 5 hours before something inside of me stopped me from continuing. That in itself is a small victory as I dread to think where I’d have ended up if I hadn’t. I’ve been honest with my family and I’ve been honest with myself but I’ve found the relapse very difficult as the booze got accustomed again with my body and mind.
I then had four days of continued abstinence from alcohol (albeit the cravings were there, the anxiety was present every day and the depression of my relapse took hold). I drank again on Day 5 and once again went through the cycle described above. There was no enjoyment. I was using it as a temporary and momentarily coping mechanism.
On Friday I attended my first AA meeting. It was a small meeting and I was welcomed in very warmly. I said the words I’ve rarely muttered in the last 15 months. “I’m Barrie and I’m an alcoholic”
So I’m back on Day 4 of continued sobriety today and thankfully I’m not feeling the physical addiction as much as I did after the initial relapse. I’m going to give AA meetings and readings a chance in addition to all of the other recovery techniques and well-being go-to’s that helped me for 15 months.
I’m under no illusion my addiction will use all its power to try and detail me for good but I refuse to allow myself to succumb to it after the benefits I’ve felt for the last year and a bit.
The way I look at it is that I’ve had TWO occasions / days of drinking in the last 469 days. Let’s keep the TWO as the common number in this going forward.
Speak soon everyone x
2 thoughts on “I Relapsed”
Sorry to see that Barrie. I hope that your anxiety is back under control. So many triggering events in the past 458 days that you have avoided and one which caught you…hopefully you will spot it next time and find a way through it.
Looking forward to reading when you get to day 459 next time.
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I’m so sorry to hear this man but I love your awareness and your outlook. I know how tough going to AA must have been for you, and I wish you and your family, all the very best.
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