There is one certainty. Drinking would have killed me in one of three ways. I’d have either had an accident (I’ve lost count of the amount of times I ended up in hospital after trips and falls pissed), I’d have drank myself to death over time or I’d have completed suicide. My mental health was at rock bottom and once I drank to excess the guilt cycle sped up and I wanted to end the misery I was causing my family and myself.
So with that in mind as I sit here this morning – sun shining through the French Doors, my youngest daughter watching and laughing at ‘Ben & Holly’ on the iPad , me sitting with my glass of Mango & Apple Juice – is it worth returning to alcohol?
Is that bottle of beer in the garden worth it? Is that pint of Guinness down the pub worth it? Is that bottle of red wine with my wife in the house tonight worth it? Next time I’m flying home from working away on my own is that mid flight gin and tonic worth it? Is the pint of cider at the cricket worth it? The glass of champagne at my daughter’s wedding? The pint of real ale when holidaying in the countryside?
The short term pleasure of having an alcoholic drink in exchange for my death. Would you, in my shoes?
No thanks. That’s why I have put in place my Big Plan using AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) which gives me complete control over my addiction – Today, tomorrow and next year.
I have too much to lose to pick up again. I didn’t apply this mindset when I succumbed to whisky after 458 days of abstinence, I’d largely winged it. It has made me realise that relapse is very real and very dangerous. It’s not part of recovery because recovery doesn’t involve drinking again so I had to take it on the chin and make some changes to my approach to alcohol. I will never be able to moderate and have accepted that. There is no maybe about it, I won’t consume again in my lifetime because it will kill me. A death sentence. Extreme? No, not at all.
Dr George Sheehan once said “We are all an experiment of one”. I’ll leave you with that.