An Ode to G

It’s my oldest daughter’s birthday today. She’s just turned seven. This time last year I was in early recovery so whilst I was sober I was still processing a lot and no doubt still distracted. I’ve always been close to my daughter but this has been the first year I can say I’ve been fully present. I wanted to write a little poem for G and just like Fee’s poem last month hopefully she will read it one day.

You will always be my first born and will forever have that place, I still remember vividly the first time I saw your face

You changed my life forever from the first time we ever met, You changed me from a boy to a man, my new role was finally set

I continued to have my struggles but I kept them all from you, I was good at being a daddy but if only you’d really knew

I’d drink to keep me smiling, I’d drink to keep me fun, I’d drink to stop me crying, drink in the bath after a run

I drank because it numbed me from the pain I felt inside, whilst your arrival, love and presence helped keep your Daddy alive

I didn’t face my demons, for years I let them win, Having you kept me going but so did drinking gin

Now I’m clean and sober, it took me long enough. My focus is on our family and making myself mentally tough

I love you more than you’ll ever know and will always be here for you, at least I know from this day on I’ll always be sober too

Family first, that’s me now and to give you a great fun life, to make memories with you and memories with Fearne and memories with Mammy, my wife

Beautiful girl inside and out, a bookworm just like Dad. We have such a laugh and sing and dance and there will be plenty more milestones to add

Happy Birthday beautiful girl x

An Ode to Fee

Day 361: It’s my youngest daughter’s birthday today. She’s just turned three. This time last year I was in a deep hole and just a few days after her birthday I hit rock bottom. Nothing of course to do with my children or wife, I was in an internal battle. I wanted to write a little poem for Fee. Maybe she will read it one day.

Mornings with you used to be a pain
Hungover and tired but never again
I hated those days, just you and me
Nothing against you though, it was me you see
Head was all over, I needed a drink
I didn’t of course now that I think
I was very unhappy, with myself not you
Life was a pain and parenting was a chew
My moods were all over, I’d want to be alone
I should have been grateful with all in my home
But depression is complex and beats you right down
Alcohol was the medicine to mask over my frown
You and your sister, your Mammy there too
You deserved better than what I put you through
I finally hit rock bottom just as you turned two
But as you turn three I’m right here for you
No more blurred vision
No more missing days
I’ve loved your third birthday in so many ways
You’ll never really know how unwell Daddy got
But I’d rather you grow up knowing even if it isn’t a lot
I still remember that day you came into my life
I was immediately in love with you and so proud of my wife
I’ve never not loved you and I’d do anything you see
To keep you safe and happy, feeling positive and free
Despite all my struggles it was me, never you
But now Daddy is better, no really, it’s true

That was hard to write but today has been a lovely day and I want more days like this not like what I used to have

Happy Birthday beautiful girl x