Life is a Rollercoaster

Day 39: It’s been a very up and down kinda week for me. My mood has changed massively on a daily basis but as ever it’s difficult to try and understand why!

From a self care point of view I’m doing loads. Still sober and despite a few little thoughts about alcohol I’m generally not interested in it and have no desire to drink. I’ve been doing short runs around the village, walking daily to try and help me hit 10,000 steps – and I’m eating better. In fact I lost my first stone of 2021 after today’s weigh in. I’m feeling better for it physically. I take my medication (40mg of Citalopram) every morning and I’m trying out Yoga and meditation when I get a moment to myself. I’m reading more (less screen time before bed!) and I’m back at work albeit working from home and on reduced hours.

I get plenty pats on the back and I’m pleased with my progress but there have been a few days this week where I’ve really struggled to pull myself out of a depressive episode. I’ve persevered and done some of the above. Therapists call it your ‘mental toolkit’ – but despite my best efforts I can’t shift the darkness and I’ve accepted defeat versus my head in that particular day. I was in bed by 5pm on Tuesday. I just couldn’t operate, talk, eat. I wanted to be on my own. I woke up on Wednesday and felt fresh. I felt motivated. I had a pretty good day in the end. Tuesday forgotten.

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I guess it’s easy for me to say “take it one day at a time” because when you are in a bad place it can be hard to look beyond that moment in time. That said, it’s the easiest way for me to work on my recovery. Tuesday sucked. I could have had a drink. I could have gone off somewhere on my own whilst in a vulnerable state. I chose to tell my wife I wasn’t good. She took control of the kids and told me to go upstairs. Wednesday was a good day. Thursday afternoon was a bit crappy again. I went for a walk. It helped. Friday was good. Nothing special happened but I just enjoyed the sunshine. The music on the radio. Speaking to a colleague at work about things. It’s just accepting that life isn’t straightforward. You can’t predict how you’ll feel tomorrow or next week. Focus on the now. Let tomorrow come to you.

Today Sucked

Day 35: Today is the lowest I’ve felt since leaving hospital. It comes after one of my better days yesterday. First day back at work, over 13,000 steps, finished reading my third book of 2021 (Good by my standards) and generally a nice sunny Monday. Today has just been a struggle though from the moment I got out of bed. I haven’t had much of an appetite. I feel lousy, tired and just can’t be bothered to engage with anybody. Little things have annoyed me and I just want to climb into my bed. I’ve told my wife how I feel which is a step forward. I would have previously bottled it up and most likely had a drink from said bottle. I expect I’ll have bad days. Low days. Days where I want to just curl up in a ball. Today is definitely one of those days. My hope is that I ride this one out, accept it’s my condition and go again tomorrow. I have the rest of my life to enjoy so one lousy day can have it’s fun and then hopefully bugger off so I can have another Monday on Wednesday.

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My oldest daughter who is 6 later in the week received a glowing report from her teacher tonight. My youngest daughter who is 2 continues to settle into nursery. My wife seems a lot happier than she was a few weeks ago. It’s important I don’t let bad days like today ruin the progress we are making as a family.