I’ve never relapsed before now so it’s been a very unpredictable week or so that’s followed.
When I first entered sobriety it was forced upon me if that makes sense. I was very unwell mentally and once I was detained in hospital under the Mental Health Act my ability to choose whether I drank or not was taken from me. I didn’t plan to stop drinking in February 2021 and whilst I knew deep down it was going to destroy me my addiction was deep rooted.
Fast forward a detox, spell in hospital and treatment in the community and I found myself 15 months sober. I let my guard down and at my most vulnerable I allowed a way back in for the demon drink.
I put the drink in my mouth. I wasn’t with anybody so I can’t blame peer pressure. I had a choice. It was me who took that turn. I chose to fight my anxiety with fire. Why didn’t I just apply one of my tried and tested coping mechanisms that have worked for me for over a year?
It’s done. I can’t change the past but I can try and learn from it. The issue I have at the moment is that my inner beast is now loving my situation and trying to overpower my rational thinking of never picking up again. I know alcohol is not good for me and I know it will eventually kill me but once it’s back in you it wraps itself around your being. I’ve had withdrawal type reactions to it and I’m constantly battling the thoughts of picking up again. My anxiety is through the roof and surprise, surprise I’m feeling depressed.
I’m already using excuses about not going to more AA meetings since Friday (work, half term with the kids, wife at work / college, house chores, etc.). I did go for a run last night though despite feeling drained. And yes, it helped. Always does. I’ll take that as a win. A run over a drink.
Maybe I just need to get back to basics. Plenty water, plenty walking and get running. Read more and listen less to podcasts and the shite on TV. I’m overwhelmed and I’m not even sure if writing is helping me right now but I know that it’s helped in the past so what the hell, maybe subconsciously I’m in some kind of therapy by sharing this with you. No doubt I’ll be back on here tomorrow but if I’m still sober – Boom!
I’m all over the place at the moment but at time of writing I’m on Day 5. One day at a time. That’s all I have – Today.
Happy Daddy 